Are you familiar with the car Chevy Fiat? I am asking because two of my best friends and I just traveled 13 hours (round trip) in a car roughly the size of a child's bicycle. My one friend Steve is 6'4" mind you and my other buddy James is over six feet tall. My license says I am 5'7" but I have always considered myself to be more of a 5'8" kind of guy. So obviously you have three very tall and very handsome gentleman packed into this "car." Did we get laughed at as we drove? Were we pointed at and mocked? Why yes we were readers. Yes we were.
Our destination was the glorious city of Pittsburgh where our friend Nickles (don't ask me why we call him this) now resides. We had heard muffled whispers and rumors that alcohol was possibly served in Pittsburgh so we figured we would confirm whether or not these rumors were true. Twas a pretty standard road trip for the most part. Jokes were made, laughs were had. Fortunately for us there was a radio somehow jammed into the six square foot area of the car allowing us to enjoy the brilliance of Sirius radio. Finally on the horizon after hours of sitting, twisting, jostling, and other verbs ending in "ing" we spotted the industrial skyline which could only be Pitt. We just had one more exit to take and we were home free. Easy. Piece of cake. Game over. That would have been the case if Adam Levine's Payphone song hadn't just come on the radio for the eighth time at that precise moment in time. I swear to God, Allah, Buddha or whatever deity you choose to observe that when this song came on the clouds parted. The sun shone and the birds chirped. Children ran out into the streets and jumped rope, and all seemed well in the world. These are the physical things which occur in nature when Mr. Levine blesses us all with his voice. Steve and I were literally so enthralled and captivated that we turned to each other and exclaimed our excitement to the world. It was at this time we all noticed we had just missed our turn and we were now heading into downtown Pittsburgh traffic. Yes, we actually missed our exit because of a radio song. Granted, it was Adam Levine so enough said.
We finally arrived in the city (after 45 minutes of extra driving) and began to find our way again. We found ourselves in a two lane street and I happened to glance over to my right to the car next to us. Inside were two very attractive females. I also quickly noticed they were laughing and pointing at the Fiat. I reacted the same way any sane person would who is forced to drive a Fiat. I pulled up closer and rolled down the window and let these ladies know the car was only rented. Granted, we will never see them again but at least I can rest easier knowing they know the truth. Somehow this simple realization helps me sleep at night.
I won't bore you with the rest of the details of our weekend. Obviously we drank and were thrilled to find the rumors true. Pittsburgh is pro-alcohol and therefore receives high marks in our books. Fun was had and achieved at every corner of our trip. What you should take from this brief tale is the perseverance of mankind, specifically Steve, James and myself. We demonstrated throughout those 900+ miles that no matter how ridiculous, stupid, and feminine we may have looked in the Fiat, we were able to rise above and have a good time. That is what America is all about. The land where you are able to fit three men into the tiniest car on the planet and still have fun. I think the Constitution has a line or two about this very same ideal. With all this being said, if you ever rent a car, do not get the Fiat. It sucks.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Tiny Terrorists (props to Chris Miller for title)
Am I the only person left in the United States...no scratch that, the world who is still terrified of young children? I feel like this is the case. Kids seem to prey on me specifically. They look deep into my eyes and sense my weakness and vulnerability. They realize I am much older than them, then ignore this fact and begin their acts of terrorism. My two examples referenced below should be sufficient evidence to demonstrate this notion.
I was recently in Noblesville Indiana taking several tests for the police department which is located there. I had about four hours to kill between tests so I ventured to a local Starbucks. No sooner had I sat down than in came a family or group of friends, a tribe really, containing about 10-12 people. Their were about seven children within this tribe. For some reason the kids decided to sit over in the corner where I was sitting. I was trying to relax, read, and enjoy some coffee. They banded together to make sure none of these things were realized. Over the next hour I was stared at, surrounded, possibly mocked, and terrorized. They felt the need to bring their food over by me and proceeded to devour all within their sight. Muffin, scone and all other forms of pastry crumbs flew everywhere. Even when the heathens were feasting they did not stop with the staring. Have you ever been stared at by seven kids of varying age all at once? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I recently flew from Chicago to Denver Colorado with my roommate for a mini vacation. I absolutely hate flying. I feel every bit of turbulence, and I constantly check on the status of the wings. No joke. I often look out the window to assure myself the wings are still doing okay. On this flight there was a young girl sitting behind us. The entire flight her mother was reading her some kind of history, medieval story of death and conquest. The line “And Atilla the Hun often drank blood from the skulls of his victims” was actually read to this young girl by her mother. Who reads that to a young girl? That sentence nearly sent shivers up my spine and I am 23 years of age. Not soon after I heard this sentence read aloud I spot her in front of me off to the distance, an evil smile slowly forming across her face. She started off with a slow walk and quickly changed this to a rapid jog slash jumping-jack form kind of thingy. She was JUMPING ON AN AIRPLANE. Obviously I know this action will not bring a plane down but they certainly do not help to prevent it. I feel strongly, quite strongly actually, that jumping on an airplane should be placed in the same category as saying the word “bomb” while on board. This young titan of destruction should have immediately reprimanded and held by authorities, never to terrorize my flight again. For the time being I am quite fine with admitting, little girl-1, Alex-0.
The point of this story is quite simple. When Alex is confronted by kids in a coffee store or aboard a huge metal death trap 35,000 feet in the air, he does not win. I hope you all had a fantastically amazing Christmas and an even better New Years.
Starbucks
I was recently in Noblesville Indiana taking several tests for the police department which is located there. I had about four hours to kill between tests so I ventured to a local Starbucks. No sooner had I sat down than in came a family or group of friends, a tribe really, containing about 10-12 people. Their were about seven children within this tribe. For some reason the kids decided to sit over in the corner where I was sitting. I was trying to relax, read, and enjoy some coffee. They banded together to make sure none of these things were realized. Over the next hour I was stared at, surrounded, possibly mocked, and terrorized. They felt the need to bring their food over by me and proceeded to devour all within their sight. Muffin, scone and all other forms of pastry crumbs flew everywhere. Even when the heathens were feasting they did not stop with the staring. Have you ever been stared at by seven kids of varying age all at once? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Planes
I recently flew from Chicago to Denver Colorado with my roommate for a mini vacation. I absolutely hate flying. I feel every bit of turbulence, and I constantly check on the status of the wings. No joke. I often look out the window to assure myself the wings are still doing okay. On this flight there was a young girl sitting behind us. The entire flight her mother was reading her some kind of history, medieval story of death and conquest. The line “And Atilla the Hun often drank blood from the skulls of his victims” was actually read to this young girl by her mother. Who reads that to a young girl? That sentence nearly sent shivers up my spine and I am 23 years of age. Not soon after I heard this sentence read aloud I spot her in front of me off to the distance, an evil smile slowly forming across her face. She started off with a slow walk and quickly changed this to a rapid jog slash jumping-jack form kind of thingy. She was JUMPING ON AN AIRPLANE. Obviously I know this action will not bring a plane down but they certainly do not help to prevent it. I feel strongly, quite strongly actually, that jumping on an airplane should be placed in the same category as saying the word “bomb” while on board. This young titan of destruction should have immediately reprimanded and held by authorities, never to terrorize my flight again. For the time being I am quite fine with admitting, little girl-1, Alex-0.
The point of this story is quite simple. When Alex is confronted by kids in a coffee store or aboard a huge metal death trap 35,000 feet in the air, he does not win. I hope you all had a fantastically amazing Christmas and an even better New Years.
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